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Friday, January 6, 2012

Court Kills Mood

I appeared in court this morning.  I have some court matters that stemmed from my bipolar mania during the summer of 2010.  

Going to court really affects my depression, as I suppose it would to any other depressed person.

I drove to court this morning in a moderate/mild depression and left with more like a severe depression.  Being in there for two hours, listening to all the cases, and just sitting in that environment was a real bummer.  

In court you have things to listen to and see.  All of it is negative.  I would look over to the inmate cell and wonder what the heck they did to end up in jail.  I look to the judge and watch him ram cases through the system at rapid speed.  I'd see the bailiff constantly surveying the people to make sure they were quite.  No cell phones please. 

I watched and listened to all the attorneys, conferring with their clients, practicing their best manners when talking to the judge.  Some of those guys and gals strut around the courtroom as if they own the place.  That bothers me.

I left the courtroom, walked to my car, and drove off in a haze of negative thinking.  Now everything I saw, experienced, or thought about had a dark tint to it.

I was less patient with traffic when driving home.  I turned on the news and it all seemed hopeless, like it's all a waste of time.  I mean who cares if a dude dressed like a Walmart greeter person was actually a thief who stole four big screen televisions?  This isn't helping at all.

I often take a nap when things get like this.  I get sleepy, feel fatigued, and things look hopeless.  I just want to escape.  In the past I would probably grab some beer, but I quit that over a year ago.

So now I am writing about that experience.  It is helping me get clearer, seeing more of the big picture.  I get some momentum to keep carrying on.

I wonder how it's all going to work out?  Acquittal?  Guilty?  What is God's role in all this I wonder? Is this a learning process?  Is this supposed to help me stay on the right track?  

I just want to get over this but it's dragging.  Most of it is my attorney's fault because he has felony cases that take a higher priority.  Now we're looking to March 1st as a possible trial start date.  

Moral of the story: do your best to stay out of trouble.


  1. Jeff I know I have a hard time when I watch the news, too. It's depressing. I can only imagine how depressing court must be. I'm just sorry you're going through it. Trust God with your court case. He handles everything anyway. He's got your case in His hands. God bless you my brother.

  2. Hey, for the reminder Wayne. Trust Him with all your heart and He shall direct thy paths!

  3. I get depressed too when I need to attend court. Our judicial system suppose to protect the innocent, but our founding fathers brought over a judicial system from monarch government. Which caused autocrat mind set from judges. With that mind set, judges only care about there position and status, instead of justice For all. This mind set caused more of a divide between justice and class. If you can afford a lawyer you can get justice otherwise you are screwed

  4. Hey Jung - Thanks for providing input on this topic. It sure seems like the system is stacked up against the individual. Navigating the system successfully is near impossible without the intervention of an attorney. Also, there's the DA. They decide what to prosecute and what not to prosecute. The DA is only interested in maximizing guilty verdicts. They spend most of their resources prosecuting drug offenses (non violent), DUIs (non violent), probation violations (usually non violent), and domestic violence cases. They also prosecute even when the other party drops charges (as in my case). I have a lawyer. Hopefully I get justice.

  5. Thanks for your views on this subject Jung. I too find the system heavily stacked against the average citizen. Let's face it, unless you have a lawyer your chances of successfully navigating the system and achieving a favorable outcome are quite low.

  6. Jeff, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It's hard enough knowing what was done in mania, knowing you weren't in control, that if you were you then these things wouldn't have happened. But then having to stand up in court, have a trial...I couldn't imagine how hard that would be. I'm not surprised you felt worse after being in there, the way that you described it.

    I hope it all works out okay for you, and that this doesn't drag on too long!

  7. Thanks for the note Sara. It is really difficult. I have lost a job, messed up some relationships (mostly recovered thankfully), and get to relive the experience in court. Yuck! Hope all is well with you!