Since I was not drinking at the time I got the coveted duty of being the responsible driver for the group. In a way this is an honor. It gives me recognition of sorts that I am being victorious over alcohol, my arch nemesis of the psychoactive substances here on God's green earth.
The show was pretty good and I had killer time for sure. I liked the venue and lights. But don't be surprised if you hear a change in David Lee Roth's voice. It's starting to fade. No bueno!
I had some serious depression three days in a row leading up to the show. All sorts of negative self-talk was dominating my thoughts. The signs were pointing towards trouble ahead.
So, leading up to the show I asked myself two questions: (1) Are my depression symptoms going to be whacked at the concert? (2) Was my experience there going to suck so bad that I should not bother going?
Yep, sure enough. I was still having some troublesome symptoms as we arrived at the Staples Center. Good 'ole depression was present and accounted for.
Most of my difficulties were about getting "stuck" or "off track" and dwelling on irrelevant material. I was ruminating big time.
Rumination is being stuck on a thought, belief, or idea for a long period of time. You can't seem to get whatever is in your head out of your head. You find yourself turning a matter over and over in your mind with the tendency for an overdose of reflection and pondering.
Negative thought rumination is probably the most bedeviling of my bipolar depression symptoms. And it was certainly alive and active during the concert. Rumination creates overall mental discord and a perpetuation of many depression symptoms. It impairs thinking processes and leads to social withdrawal. This, in turn, creates distance between the person experiencing bipolar symptoms are their family, friends, and other support persons.
A New World Order
As the concert progressed I found my thinking about and dwelling upon the experience. I began to notice changes from other events I've been to in the more distant past. The show had a strange, "New World Order" feel to it.
I haven't been to a concert in many years. But it was hard to believe how much the experience had degraded. And of course I ruminated a lot about this. A few things I found myself dwelling upon were:
- how hardly anybody stood or danced to the music,
- it was more of a passive, observer experience;
- the "audience Nazis" were in effect, bolting several times in groups of three to attack non-conforming audience members;
- light from cell phones replaced the flickering lights from cigarette lighters; and
- most conspicuous of all, nobody was smoking the reefer.
When I woke up Friday morning I knew right away it was going to be better than the last several days. I could sense something good kindling inside even though the sky was totally gray and my mood was sub par.
I knew I was less depressed than the days prior, but I still did not know how the day would unfold. Things can still decline at any moment. You just got to be ready to ride the roller coaster for that days run.
I often have pretty good or fair mornings that are followed by afternoon crashes, naps galore, and irritability. It was a fairly common experience during the days leading up to the concert. I wondered if things were going to start out good and then crash in the afternoon or evening.
Timing is Everything
So it turned out that Friday was a great day for the concert because it happened on a transition day. I was moving out of a state of bad depression towards "normal." So my depression symptoms were milder, I had good energy, and generally had my wits about me.
All the usual symptoms that show up for me were there during the show, but they were much milder and some were almost imperceptible. I had an okay mood, good energy, okay mental acuity, and I seemed fairly grounded.
Final Thoughts on Rumination
In managing rumination I am declaring that I will reduce my perfectionist thinking. Ruminating on perfection just adds stress and pressure to the things I do.
I just need to remind myself to keep my expectations in perspective. Everything will not be "perfect" and that's okay. What is perfect anyway?
So, starting ryte now I be not longer be a purfectshunist and see how it goes and then maybe stay this way, just sayin. Jest leeve comet below if yuse think i shuld stay impurfecshunist.
But seriously, overall the concert was great! It was just what I needed to bust through a funk!