And the Depression Dragon Comes Calling

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Did you know that May is Mental Health Month. May was designated by Congress in 1949 as the month to raise awareness of mental health conditions and mental wellness for all. It has become apparent that mental health and wellness is essential for a person’s overall health. And we should remember that effective prevention, mitigation, and treatment of bipolar symptoms is possible. It is true that people can recover from mental disorders and live full and productive lives. This post is dedicated to the Mental Health Month of May.
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Well, leave it to my bipolar depression and its minions to interfere with a perfectly good out-of-town trip. I drove up to San Francisco last week to visit an old friend for a few days. We planned on catching up, hanging out, and discussing business ideas and whatnot (remember, I’m still unemployed yet semi-retired).

Depression Dragon Appears

The depression dragon came calling on the day I drove up to the Bay Area. I felt it descending upon me around 1030 that morn. The sky was gray. I was at my father’s house dropping off my dog before heading out to NorCal. Nothing against my father it just happened that way. Just sayin.
Also, I was very tired from staying up all night. I had spent the night busily reading and thinking about some things that my friend and I intended to discuss. 

It was exciting material, I was motivated, and so I kept on working through the wee hours of the night. Time flew by like it does when you become engaged in something you enjoy doing.

Funky Friday

I slept 18 hours straight on Friday, not getting up until 5 pm. It was one of my marathon depression slumbers. So much for talking shop that day. We’ll catch up this eve and tomorrow I thought.

But that was not to be the case. The bedeviling depression dragon had come home to roost for a time. He dwelled amongst me all evening. The feelings from ruminations over nonexistent yet “impending doom” kept me pinned on my back.

Saturday

I awoke Saturday at a reasonable hour with no relief from depression symptoms. As per all depressions to this extent I had diminished capabilities, limited cognitive functioning, and a pathetic level of self worth. I was not in a good state for having lively, engaging conversation about future possibilities.

Mother’s Day

The last day of my visit was on Mother’s Day. This didn’t help my poor mood matters because this day inevitably brings up memories of my mom, usually sad. She passed on January 2, 2010.

So, after a splendid lunch with my longtime friend and his family and a short nap I departed.

My thinking about the visit on the drive home was disappointment at first. I was disappointed I didn’t have the needed access to my mind during my trip. I was robbed of important things like memory recall, attention, and a fluid mind. Never mind executive functions like planning and strategizing.

Instead I was stuck with no go neurotransmitters, nasty neural network cobwebs, and gelatinous blobs of gray matter. It’s enough to make a Jewish mother say "oy."

Dragon Departure

After talking with my friend illegally on my cell phone while driving home I felt better. I told him I was disappointed and why. He acknowledged that and was glad I communicated the matter. He knows I fight this demonic dragon each day and I’m stronger on some days over others. This helped me relax.

I slept well Sunday night. The dragon left his roost during the night.

So as things would have it my mind and mood came back on Monday. There is still a little depression, but this much I can deal with.

The wackedness (new word, pronounced wa’ ked ness) of this bipolar depression of mine continues to amaze me. No sooner than when I get a grip and think recovery is moving forward, I find myself wallowing in the mire once again.

Final Analysis

So, was this experience a failure? Not by a long shot. I had a wonderful time hanging out with my friend and his family.

Regardless of the whims of serious depression we managed to discuss several issues and ideas. It just wasn’t to the depth and detail I was hoping for.

The work stuff and ideas will come as they do. I’m trying not to put unnecessary expectations on things. This just adds stress. And stress can very easily become a trigger for and aggravator of bipolar symptoms.

As I said to my good friend, “Sometimes you just got to be the tortoise in the race.” It takes time and patience when you are taking over the world.

So what are you in life? A tortoise or a hare?

Dire Straits with Full-Blown Bipolar Mania

About a week ago a friend in Oregon called me for some advice.  She was very concerned about her brother.  He unexpectedly showed up at her house in a full-blown mania.

Yes, we're talking all the good stuff.  He had delusions of grandeur, nonsensical ramblings, tangential references to God, and frequent, bizarre ranting about things from his past (presumably unresolved issues).  Along with the manic thoughts there were other tell tale signs like racing thoughts, fast/pressured speech, hyperactivity, agitation, pacing, confusion, and the like.

My advice was straightforward: (1) call 911 immediately, (2) explain to them that it is a mental crises so they bring in the mental health team, and (3) work with him to get either a voluntarily or involuntary hospital admission.  

As expected he was found a danger to himself or others and ended up in a 5150 (involuntary hospitalization).  I didn't get specifics about what happened.  I can only imagine.  

This was my first involvement in a mental crisis situation from the perspective of a concerned person trying to help a family dealing with a mental health crisis.  Prior to this my experience with mental crises was about me getting the 5150!

The hospital health team say he is slowly improving but the psychiatrist called for an additional two weeks of hospitalization.  They want more time for the medications to take effect.  Since he objected to the longer stay a mental health court will be assembled to ascertain whether he is okay to be released or should stay longer.

My experience with these mental health courts has been interesting.  Twice I found myself in a 72 hour involuntary hold for acute mania.  And both of those times the psychiatrists attempted to keep me an additional two weeks.

Well, I would have none of that, objected the physician's advice, and had the mental health court convene.  I did this twice and I won both times!

In each case I had already been treated for "blatantly" acute mania in the three days prior.  This caused my mania to subside enough for me to do my thing for the court.  I put on my "I'm okay" face, act mild mannered, acknowledge the behavior that got me hospitalized, express my concerns that I'm okay and do not need additional hospitalization, and answer questions from the judge.

As I said this happened twice, once in 1997 and again in 2002.  Each time the court was convinced I was able to take care of myself and should be released!  Yay, good for me, but I really wasn't fully treated, especially in 2002.

I don't know what the court's assessment of his condition will be.  If he can keep it together for 15 or 20 minutes and say the right things, then it's likely he'll be let go.  But if manic thoughts creep in during court he may be unsuccessful.  I am curious.

The family wants him hospitalized for another two weeks.  I can see why based on what they told me about his madness.  He (as with most who are involuntarily hospitalized) loathes the idea of more psych hospital time.  He probably feels "fine" according to himself but has not been fully treated for the acute mania.

I hope my experience with mania and involuntary hospitalizations provided information that was helpful to them.  It is terrible the family has to deal with the insanity of his bipolar illness.  It was good for me to experience the "other side" of mania, from the family's perspective.  

I've now seen a glimpse of what I put my family and friends through during my manic episodes.  I don't like it.  I am fully committed to never getting full-blown manic again.  It's simply to destructive and dangerous.  

Stress and Bipolar Disorder

Happy New Years everyone!  Here comes 2012!

We all know too much stress can make your life a living hell whether you have a mental health issue or not.  As someone with bipolar disorder I know that my manic or depressive symptoms become heightened under stressful conditions.  I experience a loss in ability to cope. 

Stress is the result of the inability to adequately cope with an environmental input or stressor(s) of some kind.  A stressor could be going to the store, an uncertainty about your job, or winning the lottery. Stressors can be good or bad, significant or nonsensical.  

Checkout a bad stress situation here!

In the lives of folks with bipolar disorder, stress is usually a pretty bad dude.  Our mind and body seem to have an added challenge processing and adapting to incoming stressors (negative information) in a way that it is not harmful to us.  I also think our resiliency to stress is somehow less than those that are without a brain disease.

I know of a guy with bipolar disorder who was in the position of assistant pastor for his church.  He had a bachelor degree from a reputed seminary school and a masters in theological studies.  All seemed fine I suppose, but at some point the stress in his life caused his bipolar symptoms to become unmanageable.  He became debilitated to the point where he could no longer hold his church position.


He had held the position for three years.  He attributes the loss in function to bipolar.   

Too much stress for someone with bipolar, if not properly dealt with, can eventually cause a depression or manic episode.  I think some of it is that bipolar people are, in general, more sensitive than the rest of the population.  I also believe some of us have coping skills that are lacking when it comes to managing stress.  I know I do. 


That's it for now.  I'd write more but I'm too stressed out.

Bipolar for life! Really?

The vast majority of folks with bipolar disorder have been told there is no cure and they'll be on medication indefinitely.  I know I've been told this more than once by well meaning psychiatrists and mental health professionals.

photo by Salvatore Vuono

I happen to agree with them, mostly.  I don't consider myself well enough to even begin to think of getting off my meds these days.  I wish I was better off.  I want to say to people that I'm in a full remission.

But that is not the case.  These days I'm either depressed or sleeping.  I experience times with mild depression and other days I find myself entrenched in the dark mood.  Most of the time I live with moderate depression.

Nevertheless, I persist with the hope that someday I will be able to be completely free of psych meds while holding the bipolar in remission.  By remission I mean the disease is still there but it's not expressing itself in any significant way.

What are my chances of being symptom free without psychiatric medication?  I don't know.  But I do know that there are bipolar sufferers out there that have made it to a non-medicated state.  So there is some chance.  The possibility exists!

I'm not even sure of the steps I would take to get off meds.  Would I start decreasing all my meds (abilify, cymbalta, lamictal, wellbutrin) at the same time or one by one?  How fast should I get off each drug?  The psychiatrist knows this information.

This is a delicate area.  Nobody should attempt to go natural (off psych meds completely) without the supervision of a qualified mental health practitioner, usually a psychiatrist.  Hopefully friends and family understand but that is not guaranteed.

Please note I am not a mental health professional and I am not giving medical advice here.  I am just putting down my thoughts on the matter of being medicated for life.