Computer Calamity Creates Confused Countenance

I'd like to share with you a real life potentially problematic problem of powerful proportions that I faced just the other day. It is a modern age problem that, should it happen to you, will create intense feelings of helplessness that suck.

It's when your computer crashes! It happened to me Saturday afternoon. My laptop was attacked by a gang of renegade programs and evil code. They took over and rendered it useless!

Furthermore, this electronic mayhem was starting to activate my bipolar symptoms and mood-states. Not good. Head for the hills!

God of Hope - This Bipolar's Right Hand

My Christian faith edifies my soul in ways that help me keep my bipolar symptoms in check and under control. This is being demonstrated to me now. I am in a much better place than when I wrote about faith last March.

I am in a place of increasing bipolar depression following my recent twin peaks manic episode. It's a fight against what seems inevitable. After every manic episode I have had there has been a follow-on deep depression.

These post-mania depressive episodes are not simply periods of sadness, remorse, guilt, or low self esteem that pass after a short time. They are long (years) periods of all consuming depression that rock my core.

Manic Twin Peaks

Well, I thought I was coming off mania when I posted back on June 19th. It turns out I had another manic run lasting about two weeks.

I thought I was coming off the last mania but it seems it was just the lull before another storm. I came crashing off this entire manic episode starting on July 4th. It was my worst Fourth of July ever.

My Bipolar Life in a Blog Post

Not including the intense, short-lived manic episodes and fleeting periods of normalcy, most of my life since my teenage years has been spent fighting bipolar depression.  

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in August 1997, while being held against my will in a psychiatric hospital by a 5150. A 5150 is a section of the California Welfare and Institution Code, which states a person is required to be hospitalized if they are considered to be a threat to themselves or someone else and/or are gravely disabled.  

I would say I may have been gravely disabled (whatever that means), certainly not a threat to anyone. Of course they didn't ask my opinion. 

I have been blessed to make it up to this point. It has taken brains, willpower, and help from above to make it. AND I get a lot of help from a good pdoc and psych meds, a good psychologist, supportive family, and understanding friends.  

Shortly after my 1997 manic episode I had a major depressive episode that lasted three years. By the time I got to a more "normal" state I had cleared up all the financial, social, and work-related messes I'd made. My "normal" state was probably more like dysthymia (a chronic, low-level depression that lasts for at least two years) that lasted until 2002.

By May 2002 I was doing well at work, it was spring, and I had a girlfriend.  No problems, right? Wrong.  

The girlfriend insisted there was nothing wrong with me and I did not need to take my meds. I argued for weeks that she was wrong. I had bipolar disorder and pretty much everyone knew it. So, to prove her wrong, I stopped taking my meds in May. Houston we have a problem.

Shortly thereafter we all know what happens. Since I was off my psych meds I went manic in a matter of days. This manic trip was more bizarre and damaging and exciting than my 1997 episode. I did some fun stuff, but also had delusions, anger, and the symptoms associated with unbridled mania: a flood of racing thoughts, tons of energy, little or no need for sleep, rapid speech.

I was Supermanic: faster than a pissed off bartender; more powerful than an upset badger; and able to escape from bad situations in a single bound. The depression dragon feared the sight of me. I felt invincible (a bad thing).

That fun ride landed me in the hospital twice that summer. The first was a 72 hr hold (another 5150). The second was voluntary, but I left early AMA (against medical advice). I was stabilized and I got bored so I left. Plus the head doctor was being a dick. He tried to get me committed for another two weeks. It was a nice try, but I beat him in mental health court.

Following the years of depression after Mania 2002 my symptoms began to recede by 2005. I was mostly stable from 2005 to 2010. I wouldn't say recovered - more like remission from most of my depression symptoms. 

In early January 2010 my mom died. I was devastated. I was drinking hard at this point. I was drowning my sorrow over my mother's death. And then my pdoc up and retired on me in March with no advanced notice.  

By May I'm a little hypomanic maybe (definitely). By late May to late June I found myself in a manic phase once again. But this time it's without a psychiatrist!

I couldn't work. I got approved to take all of June off for medical reasons. I ended up resigning for medical reasons in November 2011 and I haven't been back to work since. I'm calling it my retirement transition period. 

Anyway, there you have it. The cliff notes version of my life from when I was first diagnosed (1997) until now. It is my life during the time bipolar dominated all else, as it does now.

Present status. I live in a house with two dogs for roommates. Currently I am in a 17 month treatment resistant bipolar depression, with a splash of anxiety.  I am on meds and participate in one-on-one psychotherapy. Dogs, sun, blogging, family, friends, and faith continue to provide me strength and sense of purpose as I struggle to live with bipolar disorder. 

I hope you are blessed with the kinds of things that contribute to a stable bipolar existence. If you continue to struggle with the disorder please be patient and do not give up.  There is good reason to remain hopeful. Many people with bipolar learn to cope and live quality lives despite the demons and depression.

On Psychotherapy

I have a psychotherapy appointment this week.  I suppose this should be seen as an event that will add hope toward remission of my symptoms.  Sadly, at the time of this writing I see it as another tiny step in an infinitely long process.  I hope to change this before my appointment.

I have been seeing the same therapist since 1996 on and off.  I see her usually when I'm coming down from a manic episode or in a long-term depression, like I am now.

When things are going well I find there is no reason for therapy.  However, in the last 14 months or so I have been battling the big bad moods of depression.  I am at a time where I continue to need psychotherapy.

A typical session with her goes like this:

1. Update.  I give a brief update on the major things in my life.  For example, I assure her I'm taking my meds as prescribed, tell her I am still sober, and inform her of any major life events that have happened.
2. Reflection.  I reflect on things going on in my life.  As I do this hopelessness, guilt, and sadness towards things in my life occur.  
3. Analysis.  I then work with her to understand these underlying feelings associated with the things in my life.  By talking about my emotions I am actually releasing built up tension and inner turmoil.
4. Strategy.  The last thing we do is create a strategy for moving forward.  This stems from the results of the prior reflection and analysis.  This part creates hope out of hopelessness.

The therapy I use most often is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).  CBT is the process of analyzing and reevaluating erroneous thought processes.  These are thoughts that I say to myself about myself and the world that are in reality not true.  Not only are they false, they are also damaging.

For example, let's say I feel guilty about the DUI I got the last time I was manic.  I am saying to myself what a bad person I was for getting the DUI.  I'm a failure.

Using CBT I am able to better "see" the event in the context of which it happened.  It happened when I was not myself and not in complete control of my behavior.  I was full-blown manic!

Instead, I need to realize that the offense was done in a state-of-mind that I had little or no control over.  I didn't make a rational choice to become manic and start drinking again. Yes it was irresponsible but it not something the responsible and thoughtful me would not have done this.  The me I am now would have made better decisions.

So I replace the negative thought of "I am a failure" with a more realistic thought of "I did something out of character while I was manic."  The replacement thought is both (a) more accurate a depiction of what happened and (b) keeps me from dwelling on the negative and beating myself up over it.

I find the best thing you can do to improve your therapy is to be an active participant.  Sitting (or lying) there waiting for the therapist to ask questions about your life works okay but is not really efficient.  What is better is to try and figure out before your appointment what some of your issues are.

It's even better if you can actually spend time reflecting on them, looking for insight and answers.  If you do this you will be able to address deeper, more elusive feelings associated with a particular problem.  The goal is to have a clear and realistic look at yourself.

If you can't do are having trouble identifying problem area it's okay.  Therapy will reveal your troubles.  If you are in some sort of therapy I hope it is going well for you.  If you are not participating in psychotherapy, then perhaps it is something you should try?

A helpful article reviews bipolar depression treatment using psychotherapeutic techniques to augment your psych meds.